Dance as if...

You probably know the rest of that line.  I think it comes from a country song or something.  There's a bit about pretending that no one is watching you as you make a total tool of yourself on the dance floor.  I mean, that's not EXACTLY what it says, but it's implied.  I don't think they actually use the word "tool".

Regardless, dancing can be a tricky subject for most bachelors.  In fact, it's a bit of a conundrum.  Women like men who dance.  They DON'T like men who can't dance.  Therefore, a woman will be happy you got out on the dance floor, but then they won't talk to you after you finish spazzing out, all elbows and knees. 

nobody is watching...nobody is watching...nobody is watching...

I was in a conversation recently with a guy a bit younger than me and the subject of dancing came up.  Apparently he was at a concert or a club, or maybe a concert at a club, it really doesn't matter.  The gist is that he was one of the few white men dancing as if no one was watching.  The problem is, people WERE watching.  He said at one point he overheard someone behind him say, "Wow, look at that French Fry go!"  Sure the "French Fry" comment could have been about the fact he was a tall white man.  But honestly, I think we all know that it's because he was a tall white man who couldn't dance a lick.

The problem is, some people were just born to dance.  Women, gay men, apparently French people and a few select Russians who look good in tights.  I, however, was not born to dance.  I've never enjoyed it, what with all the sweating and heavy breathing and social awkwardness.  It's like having public sex, but without the happy ending.  Besides, I was always more interested in what was going on at the bar than on the dance floor.  Why wreck yourself when rum and cokes are on special for $3.00?

When I was younger, and many pounds lighter, I'd go to dance clubs.  This usually entailed me, joined by a handful of friends, some of which were very attractive women, going into a club and immdiately splitting up.  I would make my way to the bar with one or two of the guys, while the women made a beeline for the dancefloor.  I'd drink myself into a pleasant numbness while the girls gyrated and looked sexy and got hit on by random dudes.  I was smart enough to realize even then that these women didn't want me to go to the club with them to dance, they wanted me there in case some of the random dudes got a little too aggressive. 

I didn't mind.  They usually paid my cover, and I even got to sleep with a few of them from time to time.  Who needed to dance when I could stand around getting drunk and look imposing?  At some point, I'd fill up on enough courage juice where I'd finally get out on the floor and whirl like a dirvish.  This normally only lasted a couple of songs, but I'd at least feel like I danced a little so the experience was complete. 

As I got older, the routine was basically the same every time I hit a dance club only my trips to the dance floor became fewer and fewer.  In time, I stopped going to dance clubs completely, which is allright since I'm now 40 years old and I'd pretty much look like a dirty old man perving on 22 year olds.  I can do that at a regular bar without paying the cover or dealing with the crowds at a dance club.

But still, there's the problem of the bachelor and the dance.  Let's admit it, most of us don't dance, or at least don't dance well.  And don't listen to the women that say it doesn't matter if you don't dance well...they're lying.  It matters.  If you want to sleep with them, it matter a lot!

I think the basic problem is, unlike women, or gay men or French people or leaping Russians, the average American bachelor doesn't understand the appeal of dancing.  We get no inherent joy from dancing.  It's like a job to most of us; something we have to do in order to appeal to Mrs Right...or at least Mrs. Right Now. 

It's unstructured, it's crowded, and let's face it, at some point, you end up repeating the same moves until you look like a Charlie Brown character just hopping from one leg to another with your arms by your sides. 

Sadly, however, every bachelor is going to be faced with the moment when they absolutely HAVE to dance.  It could be the difference between waking up in her bed, or going home alone to watch "The Soup" reruns at 2am.

So, in an effort to help my bachelor bretheren, here are a few simple things you can do to make sure you don't coldcock anyone with a flying elbow, or instantly crush your girl's libido with your awful moves on the dance floor.

Study Up, Bro!

Oddly enough, the traditional dance club, with the techno and house music pumping and pounding is perhaps the worst place for a bachelor to actually dance.  There no rhyme or reason to the dancing and unless you're blessed with natural dancing talent, you're going to look like a goof bobbing and weaving to the beats.

So what are you supposed to do?  The simple answer is; Study!

Listen, you don't have to be a world class dancer.  You just need to get by.  So the first thing you need to do is take a dance lesson.  Don't sign up for tap, or ballet, these probably won't get you very far and there are very few venues where you can show off these moves.  No, instead, sign up for something relatively easy and yet popular. 

Most cities have free or very cheap dance lessons where you can learn the basics of Salsa, Swing or the Two step.  These classes are short, lasting only one or two classes for the basics and you can take what you learned and practic a bit by yourself in the privacy of your own home.  The hardest part of this plan is that you'll need a female friend to go with you.  You don't want to go to these things alone. 

Once you've mastered the basics, or at least learned them as best as you can, the next move is up to you.  If you ask a woman out, you want to show her a good time.  And chances are, she'll want to go dancing.  Even if she doesn't say it, she'd much rather spend a date dancing the night away than watching you drink your fifth martini in a dark and crowded bar. 

This is where you take control of the situation.  Don't let her mention dancing.  If you do, you'll probably end up in a one of those clubs you desperately want to avoid.  Instead, establish where you'er going to dinner, and immediately say you're going dancing.  This will surprise her and please her.  She'll be shocked that you would consider dancing which will make you even more intriguing and attractive to her.

You need to pick your club wisely.  Make sure it's a club that features the kind of dancing you've been practicing.  It doesn't matter if it's a salsa club, a swing dance club or a country music club.  Just make sure you have your basic steps down and don't try to get too fancy.  A little bit of dancing goes a long way for a bachelor.

This is where many bachelors get into trouble.  We get comfortable with the basic steps and in an effort to really impress our date, we try to grab the brass ring.  We go crazy and try that cool spin move or between the legs flip or double toe-tap and things go horribly wrong.

I know, because I've done it myself.  Years ago I went to the Grizzly Rose, a country music club in Denver with a date.  I had never danced the two-step before, but was willing to learn at the encouragement of my date.  An hour later, I was moving around in a circle like an old pro.  An hour after that we had mastered a simple, basic spin move, and an hour after that, I was five beers in and my courage was up.  I decided to try the more complicated double spin, under the arm, behind the back back in the saddle move (I don't know if that's the actual term for the move, but I made it up and I like it). 

I spun my date out in front of me, still holding her hand, then pulled her back underneath my arm, so far so good.  Things got gummed up, though when I tried to guide her behind my back so she'd end up back at my left hand side.  Our feet got tangled up and I fell forward, trying to regain my balance.  At some point as I flew face first into the floor and knew it was hopeless and fell over like a redwood.  The problem was, I had stumbled into the elderly couple in front of me and as I fell, they were like little lumberjacks frozen in fear as the large tree topples on top of them. 

We hit with a thud.  The elderly man on the bottom, the elderly woman hurling off into the center of the floor and me landing squarely on top of the old man.  I heard a groan and I instantly thought I'd killed him.  He was bruised and shaken up, but fortunately, not dead.  I was asked to leave the dance floor and needless to say, we never danced again that night.  I also never heard from my date after that night.  I've also never danced the two step again.

The point is, you don't have to be spectacular, just passable.  Just the fact that you're out on the floor dancing, looking halfway decent will be enough to impress your date.  Try to look too cool and end up wounding an old man, though, and she'll probably never talk to you again.

The Traditional Dance:

There is one other dance that every bachelor absolutely HAS to know, and that is the traditional ballroom dance.  You should learn it as a waltz and as a regular slow dance.  This dance will serve you well for your entire life, so the better you are at it, the more it will come in handy.  This is the kind of dance you do at weddings, fancy parties, and late at night when the lights are low and the club is preparing to shut down.  It's also a great romantic dance to do when you're alone with your date at home. 

Again, you can take a single class to learn the basics, but there's nothing like experience to really get it down.  Here are a few essentials of the proper slow dance that I've learned over the years:

1.  Hold Her Close - This isn't 1899, it's 2011.  The hand out to the side is outdated and just looks silly.  Instead, clasp your hands behind her back.  Place them in her lower back gently but firmly.  Don't hug her and don't stand two feet away with your hands on her hips...this is how you dance with your cousin.  How you hold her is just as important as how you move your feet.

2.  Make Eye Contact - This can sometimes be the hardest part of the slow dance, but it's vital.  Don't avoid eye contact, look her directly in the eyes.  Some men prefer to hold the date so close they're looking over her shoulder, I prefer to hold them close, but not so close that we can't look at each other.  You can tell a lot about what a woman is thinking or feeling by looking into her eyes. 

3.  Guide the Dance - You'll learn this if you take a basic class, but the man leads the dance.  It doesn't really matter where you go, or how you get there, just be sure that you're leading the way.  If you want to dance in wide concentric circles, then do it, if you want to move in a square, do that.  As long as you're guiding her in the direction you want to go, you'll be fine.  Be aware, though, that you're not dragging her from one side of the room to the other.  All it takes is gentle pressure in her lower back to let her know which way you want her to go.  Try to stay in rythm to the music and whatever you do, don't step on her toes.

4.  Talk, Don't Ramble - Again, this is a tricky subject.  You want to talk to her while you're dancing to put her at ease, but you don't want to talk too much that it gets distracting.  Sometimes silence is a very good thing.  Tell her you're happy she's dancing with you, tell her how beautiful she looks, let her know that she dances wonderfully.  The slow dance is NOT the time to discuss work, or past girlfriends or the dinner you had that night.  Like the basics of dance, a little goes a long way.

5.  Be Confident - No matter what you do, do it with confidence.  Understand that you WILL mess up at some point, that's okay.  As long as you hold her close and dance with confidence, she'll be happy that she danced with you.  If you're timid, she'll sense this and you'll be lost.  The slow dance is one of the few times a man can show confidence without having to blow something up or being loud about it.  Besides, all those other moments are really just false bravado, and women can see right through that.  But a man who dances with confidence is being real and there's nothing more attractive to a woman than a man with confidence.

One final note, whether it's a slow dance, a salsa, a swing dance, a two-step or moving aimlessly at a techno dance club, whenever you dance with a woman, have fun, or at least look like you're having fun.  It may be work, you may be miserable, dancing might be the last thing you want to do, but don't show it.  A woman wants you to have fun dancing with her, so smile, laugh, try to enjoy it.

I mean, the entire dating ritual for most bachelors is like a dance.  You move, they move, and hopefully, in a short time, you're both moving in concert with each other and a connection has been made.

Or you could be all stiff and cold and oily...like french fry.

She's Got The Look!

I feel like ranting today...

It's not that it's been a particularly bad week or so since I last posted, it's just that I have a lot on my chest that I have to get off.  It's actually been a bit crazy since we last spoke.  In that time, I went to New York, hung out with good friends, sang some songs, did some shows, got way behind in work.  So, you know, all good.

I hate myself for find her attractive...

But what I really want to talk about is "Hipsters."  You see, when I went to New York, I spent a lot of my time in a place called Williamsburg, Brooklyn.  It's a very cool little neighborhood just on the other side of the East River, nestled in the shadow of the Willaimsburg Bridge.  It's located right off of Bedford Avenue, which, it just so happens, is also where the New York Marathon goes down. 

I had been in Brooklyn for all of about 30 minutes when it started to dawn on me that everyone...and I mean EVERYONE pretty much looked exactly the same.  Skinny jeans, tiny sweater vests, chunky glasses, and for the girls, black leggings.  Oh, and let's not forget the scarf bunched tightly around the neck, even if the sun is out and the weather is 75 degrees.  I have to make an exception for the scarf, though, because I think that's more of a New York thing than a Hipster thing, since it seemed everyone in New York was wearing one.  In fact, I think when you move to the Big Apple, they hand one out to every new resident as a kind of identification tag. 

Now, I've been fairly cool with the whole hipster thing.  Like grunge, preppy, punk, goth, emo and all those other fads, I pay little attention to recent fads.  When I dress, I simply try not to look completely idtiotic or homeless.  It's a challenge, to be sure, but I manage.

But I DO have a dirty little secret to tell:  I actually LOVE the hipster look on women.  Yes, I get annoyed at the opaque tights and the hipster look on girls will always be head and shoulders better than the long frayed jeans with flip-flops look (blech).

But the best part about the hipster look with women is that they wear glasses.  In case you haven't caught my previous posts, I absolutely ADORE women with glasses.  Glasses are hip, glasses are shiek, glasses are...well...sexy. 

The problem is, with hipster chicks, you also get hipster dudes, and that's where I start to have a problem.  Listen, I get it.  If your 25-ish and you want to date, you most likely will be dealing with a hipster chick, a hippie chick, a business chick or a trailer chick.  You have to choose who you're going to go after.  If you're in college in Colorado, you're probably going to be getting a lot of hippie chick.  The biz chick and hipster chick have some crossover and if you're just looking for a quick and dirty lay on a Friday night, then trailer chick will do just fine, thank you.

So if you're going after hipster chick, you have to dress the part.  Again, understandable.  But here's the thing, just because you dress like a hipster dude, doesn't mean you have to be a douche like a hipster dude.  Go ahead and wear the tiny hat, the sweater vest and the skinny jeans with a sagging butt.  I don't care.  If it helps you get laid, more power to you.  But like the grunge, goth, emo or preppie phenomenons, the hipster dude fashion comes complete with a shitty attitude. 

It has something to do with being "ironic" which is oddly enough, ironic since many hipsters don't really know what the word means.  I get the sense that many of them derive their definition of ironic from that old Alanis Morissette song, which wasn't ironic at all, just stupid.  But because hipsters aren't ironic at all, they actually end up being, of all things...ironic. 

DAMMIT!  The hipsters win again!  In the end, though, I've reached the conclusion that if men would simply leave fashion trends alone, I could probably actually appreciate the new fashion trends much more.  The fact is, while I LOVE hipster women, hipster men are like nails on a chalkboard to me. 

And yet...

Even with the hipster women, I get a little annoyed at their choice to wear skirts with black leggings.  Again, I get it if the weather is cold and windy, but when the sun is out and it's warm, leave the hose or leggings or tights at home.  You're wearing a skirt, right?  What's the point of wearing a skirt ona warm day if you're just going to cover up your legs anyway?  Why not just wear slacks, or jeans?  Being a man, I know there is an answer in there that I just won't understand, but I think the question was worth asking anyway.

I've always been a fan of the goth look, and the emo look, and I guess I'll but the Hipster look in with those two strange fashions.  I don't know why I've always had an attraction to those particular looks, but I think it has something to do with the kind of personality it takes to wear those fashions.  The women who sport those looks are often more independent, smarter, more thoughtful and most likely artsy...and I love artsy. 

And Now Onto Rant Two:

I'll try to make this one a quickie, kay?  This one has to do with babies and children.  As a 40 year old bachelor, I've pretty much made my bed when it comes to raising a family.  It's not that I can't have a kid, I can shoot bullets till I'm 80 (yay for being a guy).  It's just that I really don't know if I want to have children.

But as a 40 year old bachelor, I'm inundated more and more with friends who have gotten married and popped out a handful of carpet monsters.  When that happens, you're suddenly awash in pictures of your friends children eating soup, sleeping on the couch, dressed up like Darth Vader for Halloween.

Then, at some point, the parents want you to...no, they practically demand, that you tell them how amazing and cute and wonderful their child is. 

Listen, breeders, because this may save your relationship with your single friends. 

1.  All babies are ugly.
2.  No, I don't care how smart you think your kid is.  If they can't figure out my taxes, they're of no use to me.
3.  All children are walking disease factories.  I don't want to hold them, touch them or even breath the same air as them.
4.  Babies and children in particular smell like strawberries and evil.  I don't care what you say.
5.  The more you talk about your child to me, the more I put you in the crazy cat lady category.  

There, that should help you.  Just like your single friends don't want you to pity them because you're married and they're not, your single friends also don't give a crap about your child.  We aren't related to them, we didn't create them, we get pure joy out of teasing them and we'll most likely only care for them if you die and we are forced to take them in by law.

Frankly, to most single people, a baby or small child is kind of like a cat or a dog.  We don't even really see them as real people.  They're hairless, crying pets basically.

As a single man, I wish there were more non-children places I could go.  I'd pay extra for non-children movies, non-children flights, non-children restaurants.  Why do you think so many men go to strip clubs?  NO CHILDREN!

I love seeing cute pictures of dogs on Facebook and on people's cellphones.  That's because dogs are cute, and no one has to change their diapers. 

I don't hate children, really I don't.  It's just that the more married people try to shove their children down my throat, the more I resist them.  I'm sure if I had a child of my own, I'd most likely do exactly the same thing.  You're proud of your child, this miracle of creation you produced with someone else. 

So, my bachelor friends, the only advice I can give is to grin and bear it.  Smile when your friends show you the pictures of their babies, be kind and try not to suggest a pillow to a parent trying to calm down a screaming child. 

And, whatever you do, if you ever do find that you somehow end up with a tiny baby boy, do everything in your power to make sure they don't grow up to be a hipster dude.  Like the "sensitive ponytail guy" from the 90's, they're just douches.

Mixed Signals

Okay, before you all get all uppity and start yelling at me for being absent for so long...let me start by saying mea culpa.  Life and work and stuff has gotten in the way of enhancing your lives with tidbits of bachelor wisdom. 

She's smiling at me...she MUST be in love!

There are, as always, a ton of things I want to discuss here.  But, there just isn't enough time or space to fit it all into one entry.  I mean, there are things like the reverse standards that men and women have.  It's not what you think, actually.  It has more to do with the changing desires of men and women as they age, and how they tend to be in complete reverse of each other.  But that's a post for another day.

No, today I wanted to get into something that plagues bachelors everywhere...

Mixed Signals

We all have run across this problem in the past.  It doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man, sometimes our radar is simply out of whack.  I do, however, think this happens more to men than women and here is why, women really do enter into relationships with men believing they can "just be friends." 

Of course, no one wants to end up in the "friends" zone with a woman they want to date or sleep with.  This is okay if you're looking for a quickie or a one night stand.  But if you're looking for something deeper, the best way to grow a relationship is to, ironically, become friends.  I know, I know, it's a conundrum.

The point is, sometimes when a girl is being nice, or flirty, that's all it is, guys.  She's just being nice and/or flirty.  The trick is to know when she's having a good time, or when she's sending you the kind of vibes that say "I'd like to have freaky monkey sex with you."

One of the advantages of being a 40-year old bachelor is that you've pretty much played all the games, seen all the moves and you can generally tell the difference between the two types of signals.

Here are some of the basic signals you may get from a woman and how to tell the difference between just having fun, and wanting to play hide the pickle later that night.

1.  She constantly is looking in your direction - This can be either one of the two.  Sometimes a girl is simply fascinated or curious by you.  Maybe you're wearing something that stands out, or perhaps you're looking really good that night.  It could also be that she's trying to size you up for a friend of hers, or she's trying to make someone jealous.  The best way to tell is to first, see who she's with.  If she is with a group of guys and girls, notice if she is being physical with one of the men, or if she is constantly talking to one of her friends.  If you want to call her bluff, catch her looking at her and make continuous eye contact.  Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.  If she starts avoiding your gaze, she's probably just flirting.  If she keeps looking, you might have a chance.

2.  She's overly touchy -  This is one of the most common mistakes bachelors make.  They are chatting up a woman, and suddenly she starts getting a little touchy.  Touching your hands, an arm around your neck, rubbing your shoulders.  To most men, this is an instant green light.  But the truth is, some women are just touchy people.  They aren't giving you a green light, they're just doing what they always do, friends or otherwise.  Don't fall into this trap, guys.  If a woman starts getting handsy, make sure to pay attention to WHERE she is touching you.  If she keeps her hands above the waist, it's probably just flirty.  If she starts to roam below the equator, you know, the thigh, the butt and other nether-regions...well...I think you know where that's leading to.

3.  She goes out of her way to spend a lot of time with you - Again, a lot of women do this innocently with a lot of their guy friends.  They may just enjoy your company.  It's really that simple.  Don't confuse spending time with each other with wanting to get romantic.  Instead pay more attention to what you talk about, how she looks at you and the KIND of things she wants to do with you.  If it's always in a group setting or some kind of fun activity, you've likely wandered into the friends zone.  If it's more one on one stuff, start looking for the other signals that will tell you more.

Of course, no two women are alike, and no two people flirt in the same way.  But look for these signals to tell you if she's really into you, and not just stringing you along:

1.  She touches her hair and face a lot when she's with you.  Yes, this is more of a psychological thing, but studies prove that when you're attracted to someone, you will touch your face and hair more often than you would usually.


2.  Who she talks about - If she is a friend, she'll talk about other men.  If she is interested in you, she'll talk about you, or more likely, about herself in an effort to gain your interest.


3.  Look deep into her eyes - It's all about biology, stupid.  Even if she doesn't want you to know she's interested in you, her eyes will give her away.  Science proves that when we see something, or someone, we are attracted to, our pupils dilate.  This means if she finds you attractive, her eyes will tell you all you need to know.  It's a fact, jack, and there's nothign she can do to hide it.  

So there you have it.  A few simple tips to know if she's sending you the kind of signals you're looking for.  There's no need to be confused, guys.  Remember, it's a jungle out there and all you have to get by on are your wits, your charm and your talent...unless you have six pack abs, in which case, that's all you really need.

I'll be back sooner than later, so keep an eye out for the next thrilling adventures of Billy the Robot....errrr....I mean, The Bachelor Diaries.  Stay tuned!

Summertime...and the living is...grrrrr

Hello dear readers.  It has been a while since I've posted.  My deepest apologies.  I've just been very busy.  I know, I know...no excuse, but I'm here now and I have a handful of great entries I'm just itching to get up, so stay tuned.

Tonight I want to talk about the weather.  No, not in a Gilbert and Sullivan sing-songy way, but in a way that actually impacts bachelors.

 First off, I have confession.  I hate Summer.  really I do.  Maybe it's because I'm a big guy and big guys don't do well in the heat.  But even when I was younger and in shape, you know, where I actually didn't mind taking off my shirt in public, I hated Summer.  It's just too damn hot.  I mean, in the winter, when it's cold, you can always put on more layers and clothes to keep warm.  But when it's 100 degrees outside and the sun is beating down on you like a hammer on an anvil, there's really not much you can do about it.  Seriously, you can only take off so many clothes, especially in public. 

And the thing about the heat is, even if you took off all your clothes and ran naked down the street, you'll just be naked and hot.  And most likely, you'll just get arrested, where you end up naked in a jail cell next to a big guy named Bubba, and that's never a good thing.

 But there is ONE good thing about Summer, and that's short skirts.  I'm not talking about skirts that hover somewhere just above the knee.  That's pretty sexy, but for this post, I'm talking about the little black dress that hikes WAY up near the nether-regions showing off so much leg that you could swear the woman is wearing basically a negligee and nothing else. 

Here's another confession, in case you didn't already know.  I'm a leg man.  I love legs.  All kinds of legs.  A woman in a skirt is perhaps the sexiest thing in the world to me.  So when the weather turns warm and the evening temps linger around 70 or 75 degrees, I feel a lot like kid in a candy store.  Because that's when women decide that it's a good idea to wear skirts that are so short you can actually hear the chorus of, "Halleluja" when they bend over.  

As I sit here, it's 2am and I've just spent some time wandering the streets of downtown Denver as the bars were closing and drunk women of all sizes and shapes were stumbling out of bars, uttering that most pleasant of phrases to a bachelor's ears, "I"m SOOOO drunk...".

But what surprised me the most wasn't that nearly all of these women were wearing skirts that looked like they were made for women half their size, but that they were almost all wearing EXACTLY the same dress.  I'm not kidding...it was as if ROSS had a sale on the same dress and every woman in the Metro-area decided to go buy it and wear it out on the same night. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  It's just that when EVERY woman tripping around the streets of downtown looks like a hooker, the thrill kind of wears off pretty quickly.  And that kind of bums me out.  I mean, I should be thrilled at the fact that so much leg is showing everywhere I turn.  But when all the women look exactly alike, short, once-piece skirt with black pumps, it stops being sexy and actually gets a little boring.

Case in point:

As I was walking home tonight, I saw (and I counted) 17 women wearing pretty much the same outfit.  Certainly, most of them were attractive enough and most of them could pull off the look with ease.  I kind of ogled the first few I saw from afar, in a creepy, "I want to lock you up in my basement" kind of way.  But then the next few had less of an impact on me and by the time I was walking into my apartment complex, I barely noticed the gaggle of drunk girls twisting their ankles as they attempted to walk to...well...wherever it was they were walking to under the influence of copious amounts of margaritas and vodka drinks. 

They were giggly, and stumble-ee, and leaning on each other as if the laws of gravity had somehow strengthened and they were battling the urge to instantly collapse to the street in a messy sorority girl pile. 

Listen, I'm not saying I wouldn't have easily gone out of my way to talk to any of these girls if given the chance.  But looking as they were, I might have felt the urge to pull out a $20 and pay them for the time they spent with me.  I'm not saying that looking like a hooker is a bad thing.  In fact, I encourage all attractive women to go "hooker" whenever they feel the urge.  But I want to pass along the following bit of information in the hopes that some women might take it to heart.


Be Different...Be You!

As I was standing at the corner across the street from my complex, waiting for the cars to pass by, I noticed the aforementioned group of drunk girls weaving their way across the street.  Most of them were attractive enough.  But it was what I saw trailing just behind them that really caught my eye.

About ten paces behind the slut parade walked a single woman.  She looked cool, dressed in a puffy 1950's style skirt that billowed out just above the knees and a light, form-fitted blouse.  She wore the "Mary Jane" type of shoes that men just go crazy over, and her auburn hair was loose and long, flowing over her shoulders in a devil-may-care sort of way.

And while she wasn't showing as much leg as the hooker hotties walking in front of her, she demanded much more attention, at least from me, as the other girls.  Perhaps it was because the walked with confidence.  Maybe it was because she had an air or mystery about her, with they way she clutched her tiny little purse as if she was nervous, but walked as if she owned the street.  Who knows.

What I DO know is that she stood out from just about every other woman around her.  She didn't seem drunk, she wasn't wearing the little black dress that every other woman was wearing.  And the fact that the dress she wore was stylish and attractive only added to the sexiness of the fact that the hemline ended just above the knee.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not a prude, I'm no Victorian who goes crazy over the mere sight of an ankle.  But I DO appreciate style.  It's a strange dichotomy for a bachelor.  We want our women to be sexy.  We want them to be able to wear the short little black dress that shows just a little too much when they lean over to pick up their keys off the floor.  At the same time, we want our women to be stylish, to stand out, to be original and sexy all at the same time.

And that might be the biggest difference between a bachelor who's older than 35 and a bachelor who's in his 20's.  I'll admit it...when I was 22, I would have jumped all over the puke patrol.  At that age, it's simply about the physical attraction.  But as a bachelor gets older, it becomes more complex.  You start to realize that there are a million women who look pretty good in a short black skirt.  But not every woman can pull off the more demure, teasingly sexy look that speaks of confidence and brains and wit. 

Maybe getting older as a bachelor means becoming more like a woman, I'm not sure.  But I DO know that at some point, the substance of a woman becomes a little more important than if they can pull off the "little black dress' look.  

That's really the one redeeming aspect of Summer for me.  It's not just that more and more women wear the short short skirts.  It's that I can really start to tell the difference between the women I'm really interested in meeting and the ones that, at best, would be good for a quick slap and tickle before sending them on their way.

 In the winter, everyone is bundled up and wearing layers of coats and jeans and hoodies.  Everyone kind of looks alike.  But once the weather turns warm, you really start to see the individual style and personality come out.  You start to see the women who are sexy in their own right and don't feel the need to dress like a Hollywood hooker.

Again, don't misread me here.  I'm not complaining.  In fact the short skirts are really the only thing that helps be get through the rough spot between late March and early October.  I love seeing the short skirts, I love the wanton display of legs and ass. 

But ultimately, that's just eye-candy for the most part.  It's the ones who can be sexy in their own right, the ones who can pull off the 50's style look, or who feel comfortable wearing only shorts and an oversized shirt or fitted t-shirt that really stand out.

So get out there, my bachelor friends.  Because the only thing better than Summer is Halloween when it comes to women wearing the kind of clothes that are specifically meant to get your blood boiling.  The difference is that Halloween is a fantasy night when women wear clothes to portray who they want to be.  Whereas Summer is the time where women wear clothes that indicate who they really are.

Take some time to wander the streets after the bars close and take in the spectacle.  But, as bachelors, realize that the clothes will tell you almost everything you need to know about the woman you're about to hook up with.  

They're either the girl you kick out of bed at 5am, or they're the kind of girl you actually get up early to make breakfast for.  You can tell a lot by the kind of Summer clothes a woman wears, you just have to be aware enough to read the signals.

And when it comes to your own wardrobe, let me say this.  Linen is attractive.  It flow in the right places and it clings where it should.  But you can only wear it if you're in some sort of shape.  Seriously, it's like spandex.  Only wear linen if you're skinny enough to pull it off.  Otherwise, dear bachelors, find a style that suits you and stick with it.

Don't try to wear skinny jeans if you can't pull off the hipster look.  Don't wear plaid if you're 5 foot 6 and weigh 110 pounds.  Just like women, you have to find a style that fits you, that tells the world who you are.  And that's not an easy thing to figure out.  But once you DO find your style, go forth and conquer.  Because while almost every woman looks good in a short black skirt, not every man looks good in baggy jeans and a backwards baseball cap.

In the end, it's still Summer, so comfort matters.  Find something that is comfortable and is cool enough to wear even in the middle of the day.  Because you have to be you.  Trust me, most of the girls wearing the short black skirt isn't a slut, even if they choose to dress like one for a night out on the town.  But you can bet that the girl who stands out in her choice of outfit isn't trying to fool you or trick you.  She will end up being, most likely, who you think she is; confident, independent, smart, and challenging.  

And in the end, isn't that the kind of woman we're all looking for?

Food, Wonderful Food!

I was chatting with my friend Mere, the other day about food.  Actually, it was about cooking, and while I don't recall the exact details of the conversation, it prompted me to think about all those poor bachelors out there who struggle with the "food" and "cooking" thing.

No, I'm not going to give you my "special" recipe for pumpkin-butternut squash soup (which, by the way was a HUGE hit at my last Halloween party).  This isn't about teaching bachelors how to cook, because, let's face it, if you're a bachelor, cooking is probably very low on your list of things to learn.  It ranks right up there with learning how to dance the Tango or knowing all the words to "Stranger of the Night" from the Musical "Phantom of the Opera." 

Which is unfortunate, really, because, while we as bachelors are way more interested in the latest tech toys, or how to fix our car, or pondering why women don't wear short skirts more often, we really could use skills like cooking, dancing and a basic knowledge of musical theater.  Yes, there are those bachelors out there who know all of these things.  As men, we generally call these guys, gay.  But that's a big mistake. 

Ummm...honey, dinners ready!

Who Are You? Who Who, Who Who?

Certainly, there is something to be said for being the rough and tumble, rugged bachelor type that cooks only when the words "camping" and "possum" are involved, but take a moment, bachelor friends of mine, to think about how to really seduce a woman.

Too often, bachelors, particularly the younger ones, take the approach of impressing a woman the same way they might try to impress a fellow bachelor.  We brag about ourselves, we try to show how much money we have by taking them out to expensive restaurants and we attempt to appear as macho as possible.  The idea that we might show a sensitive side, or a hidden talent or an understanding of the ins and outs of a proper box step is not just abhorrent to many bachelors...it's downright frightening. 

And I get that.  As American men, we're not really raised with the idea that real men dance, and cook and listen to opera.  Real men in America drive muscle cars, paint their body for football games, watch movies with explosions and nudity and never, ever, EVER cry.  No matter what.

I'll admit, I often fall into this line of thinking.  My entire life has been a series of porn parties, drinking parties, random hook-ups, movie explosions, bar fights and raw machismo.  It's an image that many men attempt to portray, and one that very few are truly successful at.  Let's face it.  Unless you wander the countryside with a shotgun at your side, clad in leather on the back of a Harley Hog, you probably will never be as "manly" as the men you hope you imitate.  The fact is, we can't all be "The Road Warrior". 

But that doesn't mean we still can't be manly men.  Truth be told, I've always had a place in my heart that literally seethes and rebels at the sight of "sensitive ponytail guy."  We all know these guys.  They have gone by different names over the years, but they're essentially the same.  Call them SPG, MetroSexuals, or Hipsters, the point is, they are the more sensitive, allegedly more enlightened male that women say they want, but really don't. 

At the same time, they don't really want the bad boy guy all the time either.  As far as I can figure out, women, being the complicated creatures they are, want the bad boy, the sensitive ponytail guy, protector and confidant all wrapped into one.  All I have to say is, "good luck, ladies."  That's a pretty tall order.  Frankly, men just aren't that versatile.  For that matter, we're not really interested in being that versatile.  We want to be the guy that smashes stuff, kills a woolly mammoth and then clubs some chick on the head with a club and drags her into our cave.  In our inner core, we're simply childish cavemen.  The sooner you face that fact, the better off we'll all be.

But...and this is a big one, guys, so pay attention...that doesn't mean that as men, as bachelors we shouldn't strive to better ourselves.  This means being open to some of the more sensitive sides of our nature.  That means learning some skills that not only will help you make your way through this crazy world, but will also help you woo a woman.

Cookin' With Gas:

Imagine a date.  Not just any date.  But a date with a woman that you really, REALLY like.  This isn't some floozy you met in a bar and you liked her because her tats were sexy.  No, this is a woman who has a brain, legs that won't quit and a real sense of humor.  She isn't too high maintenance and while she enjoys Keaneau Reeves movies for some inexplicable reason, she also enjoys a good shoot-em-up flick. 

Sure, you could take her out to some expensive restaurant, but what would that prove?  I can't speak for all women, but many of the women I've known over the years have lamented the fact that every date they go on consists of dinner at an expensive restaurant, hanging out in a crowded bar followed by awkward attempts at kissing or more. 

It's not that these women didn't enjoy the dinner, or the free drinks.  It's just that, they say, it all seems so formula, so cliche.  There's no imagination, no spontaneity, no romance. 

But what would happen if, instead of asking her out on a "traditional" date, you threw her a curve ball?  What if you asked her to your place for a nice, quiet dinner, followed by dancing at a local club?  Imagine how the late night kiss attempt might be different. 

You see, there's something to be said for taking the time to create something with your own hands, just for her.  And here's the thing...you don't have to be a five-star chef.  Just the fact that you made the food yourself tells her that you like her enough to take the time to craft a meal specifically in her honor.  Maybe it's just a salad, followed by chicken and pasta with a light dessert to top it off.  Hey, that's fine.  Buy some decent wine, play some good music and spend the evening just talking and getting to know one another.

Maybe you invite her over a little early and make it an event.  Cook the meal together.  You'd be surprised at how much fun that can be. 

I know, I can hear a lot of you saying, "But Chris, I have no idea how to cook."  That's okay.  I'm assuming you can read because you're reading my post right now.  There are these things called cookbooks that you can buy, or, better yet, recipes you can download right onto your computer-machine.  These fabulous inventions tell you what kind of food to buy, how to prepare it, how long to cook it and how to serve it.  Truly an ingenious invention.

Now, I know how to cook.  I learned at a young age, and it's no surprise since a person doesn't get to be my size without knowing how to cook for himself.  And be sure...I've made my share of mistakes.  I've filled up the muffin tins to the top, which, by the way, creates giant mutant muffins and creates a huge mess in your stove.  But I've learned, and some of my best dates have been one-on-one dinners that I've made for the one I lusted after.  Believe me, a simple dinner with some appetizers, some candlelight, a clean apartment and good music softly playing in the background is a much better venue to get to know someone that in a crowded, expensive restaurant or bar.

Dancing Fool:

That leads me to the other skill that is really important for bachelors to know; dancing.  I'll be the first to admit, I'm not a very good dancer.  Left to my own devices, I end up looking like a bear that has just been shot in ass with arms flailing and legs kicking out in all directions.  I actually thought I killed an old man once while trying to dance the two-step at the Grizzly Rose one year.  Seriously, I thought he was dead after I rolled him like he just stole my wallet. 

 

It's called the "Wild Goose" why do you ask?

However, I'm a pretty decent Salsa dancer and I can hold my own in a slow dance, which are really the only two dances any bachelor really NEEDS to know.  If you don't know how to slow dance, take my advice and learn how...yesterday. 

I guarantee, if you look online, you can find a local studio that will teach you how to dance a traditional slow dance, and probably even teach you some other dances as well such as the Tango, the Salsa and maybe even the Macarena if you ask nicely.

Okay, I was just kidding about the Macarena, but honestly, learn to dance.  Ask any woman you know, and they'll tell you right away, there's nothing as attractive as a man who really knows how to dance.  It shows confidence, coordination, stamina and, in the end, dancing can just be plain sexy.

You need look no further than the Latino culture to find proof of theory.  Latino and Spanish men are raised knowing how to dance.  Dancing isn't a woman thing, it's a machismo thing.  I once knew a small Latin man who wasn't much to look at by his own admittance, but put him in a club and he'll have some of the most attractive women fighting each other for a chance to spend just one dance with him.  That's because he knew how to dance, how to lead, how to seduce through the art of the dance. 

I make no promises, but I will say this.  If you have a woman you want to seduce, I mean really seduce, make her dinner at your place, be intimate in your conversation, show her your talents instead of just bragging about them, and then take her out dancing where you can strut your stuff a little, topped off by a romantic slow dance...well buster, you'll be one quick road trip back to your apartment for some all-night lovin'. 

For Singles Only...An Addendum:

All of this brings me back to one of my pet peeves.  Shopping for the bachelor.  I tend to buy my food as I need it.  This means spending a lot of time in convenience stores or making quick runs to the nearest Vitamin Cottage or Whole Foods for a special meal or party.  However from time to time, I have been known to hit the Target Superstore, or King Soopers or even a Sam's Club for shopping purposes.

Here's the problem with that.  Convenience stores and specialty stores are more expensive than your traditional grocery stores.  But the problem with grocery stores, or the more reasonably priced Sam's Clubs of the world sell foodstuffs in larger quantities than I can actually eat.  In other words, when I shop at a more traditional store, I always end up buying more than I use..because it's packaged that way, and some of what I buy always spoils before I get to it.

This truly annoys me.  It feels like throwing money out my window just because everyone else is doing it.  I wish, and I know this is really just a pipe dream, but I wish there was a store out there specifically designed to sell food packaged just for singles.  I could buy a package of hot dogs in quantities of four instead of eight since I won't eat eight hot dogs, but I'll eat four over the course of a day or two.  As it is, I open a package of hot dogs, end up eating two or three, and then I put the rest back in the fridge to sit and slowly go bad.  I don't want eight hot dogs...I want two, three, four tops. 

Here's another example.  I don't need two pounds of hamburger.  I need a half pound that I can mold into a burger and eat with a serving of instant potatoes, which, sadly, only comes in packages of four servings.  Again, I know I'm asking for a lot.  I mean, we all know that most shoppers are buying for couples or families with two-point-three children.  But I just wish there were more options for singles to buy single food servings at locations that don't start with the number 7 and end with the number 11. 

On Final Thought:

Okay, enough bitching.  The point is, as bachelors, we need to understand that women DO want to see our manly side.  They want to feel safe.  They want to trust in our strength and integrity and they want to know that if we have to fend of a cluster of ninja's in a dark alley, we'll be able to hold them off long enough for her to scramble away while we slowly die from multiple ninja star wounds. 

At the same time, they also want to trust us, they want to know that we're not all dirt and fists and blood and gratuitous explosions.  They want to know they can actually talk to us.  That we'll listen, that we can actually take care of ourselves and that we're not just looking for someone to make us spaghetti and do our laundry. 

By knowing how to cook and add starch to your shirts and running vacuum over your carpet from time to time, they'll see that you aren't looking for a mother, but for a partner.  And if you can then take them out for a night on the town and dance with them, hold them in your arms and not crush their big toe or kill an old man, they'll view you in an entirely different light.  They'll wonder what other "secret skills" you may have hidden away behind your gruff exterior.  Sing them a song and they'll literally melt into a puddle in your arms.

To be straight here...you don't have to be Wolfgang Puck, or Fred Astaire or Michael Buble.  You simply have to be able to cook a meal, dance a simple dance, sing a simple song and suddenly you'll have a leg up on your competition.  You can still enjoy your crappy porn, Kung Fu movies and old Violent Femmes albums.  Just make sure she sees that there's more to you than being the simple caveman we all are at our core. 

Just be careful, because once you start doing that...once she sees you as a talented, sensitive man with other manly traits, you might just find yourself in an honest to goodness relationship.  And then you'll have to turn in your bachelor card.  Don't worry though, as a tried and true bachelor, you'll probably screw it up somewhere along the way, and then you can use your talents to go out and find another wonderful woman to woo.  And that, my friends, is the REAL circle of life. 

The Truth About Charlie Sheen

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.  Yes, it's a cliche, but there are times when cliche's actually carry some weight.  This is one of those times.

We've all seen the clips, read the quotes, watched in horror, amazement and a kind of morbid curiosity as actor Charlie Sheen performs one of the most epic flameouts of all time.  I mean, this isn't a get drunk and trash a hotel room as a washed up rock n roll star flameout.  It isn't even the, get caught in a public bathroom performing oral sex kind of implosion that seems so popular with government and various church officials. 

Would you like to see my "little Sheen?"

No, this road to ruin is unique.  It has flair, it has some punch, it has style.  It's the kind of self-destructive behavior last seen in the late 70's when Syd Vicious was busy tearing up the English countryside.  Friends, this truly historic meltdown will go down in history as one of the great and memorable meltdowns.  This is like Rome crumbling under the relentless barbarian hordes.  This is..well...epic.

But with all of the twists, turns and bizarre plot points, bachelors all over can learn something very valuable from the Charlie Sheen supernova; and your friendly Bachelor Diaries is here to tell you what.

Growing Old Sucks:

Listen, I know that.  You know that.  We all know that.  I JUST celebrated my 41st birthday two days ago.  Still, age is really just a state of mind...blah blah blah.  It's true, though.  I don't feel 41.  Sure, the knees ache sometimes, the hearing isn't what it used to be (although I attribute that to my radio days) and of course, hangovers take longer to recover from.

But for the most part, I still feel young and spritely.  Well, if not spritely, at least healthy.  But regardless of how a bachelor might feel, there are certain lines that get drawn as the years pile up.  For instance, I don't go "clubbing" anymore.  Not because I don't like the music, but because it just looks strange for a 41 year old man hanging out on the dance floor, drinking and watching the ladies dance.

Don't get me wrong, I still hit on the young ones from time to time, I just do it in a different way than I used to and in different venues.  I know my limitations, I play to my strengths, I do what I can to hide my myriad of flaws.  However, there is still a group of bachelors out there that refuse to acknowledge their age, flaws or weaknesses. 

Subject number one, for your consideration...Mr. Charlie Sheen.

Let me state, for the record, that The Bachelor Diaries does NOT condone, in any way, violence against women, striking a woman, domestic abuse or any of that kind of thing.  Hitting a woman doesn't prove you're a man, it makes you weak. 

And as we know, Mr. Sheen has been accused of striking more than one woman in his life.  That is deplorable and he should be punished for it if it is true.  However when it comes to his philandering, drug use, alcohol consumption and liquor-fueled ramblings in the press is actually quite impressive.

It's almost admirable in the way that, for some reason, Sheen has lost all ability to edit the thoughts in his head before he spews them out for all the world to mock.  And let's face it, sometimes that is not only funny, but downright refreshing. 

Perhaps he's lashing out.  Maybe he's lost his mind.  I don't know and I don't care.  I found a list of his more colorful quotes from a recent  L.A. Times article.  I love the fact that he says things like, "

"I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. [I survived] because I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."

"Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words –- imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists."

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards -- all of them -- look like droopy-eyed, armless children."


"I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."


"They can’t hang with me, their bones would melt like wax."

"I'm an F-18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground."


"That was an old brain. I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year old."

Mid-Life Meltdown:

Okay, that last one is kind of a WTF moment.  But the other quotes.  I mean, COME ON!  Comparing yourself to an F-18?  Calling out Sinatra and Jagger, perhaps the gnarliest partiers of all time?  Saying you have "fire-breathing fists?"  This is the stuff of legend, folks, legend!

You have to admire a man who has slept with some of the most attractive women in Hollywood, isn't afraid to say anything to anyone, drinks, parties leaves a trail of ruin in his wake and then steps up to the mic. to brag about it...loudly.

There's just one problem.  Mr. Sheen looks desperate, he looks lost, he looks out of place.  If he were 21 and running rampant like this, movies would be made, books would be written, he'd be chiseled into the annals of mythical figures, joining the likes of Vicious, Morrison, Moon, Dean.

With any luck he'd die at the bottom of a pool before his edge wore off and became a sad figure of what he once was.  The strange thing...Sheen has seemingly done it backwards.  After being essentially a child movie star, Sheen has shed his good boy image and it feels like he's trying to recapture his lost youth.

It all stinks of mid-life crisis, and that's the problem.  Again, I get a thrill when a man walks forward and challenges all comers.  When he says his fists are fire-breathing, when he says he parties harder than anyone and then goes out and proves it.  For some bachelors, that's the ultimate goal.  It's the bad boy that we have all dreamed of being and who we think all women want.  Of course there's something sexy in a man with that kind of confidence, that kind of freedom of thought and spirit.  He's dangerous and let's face it, some women find dangerous sexy.

That's all well and good, too.  But not when you're in your 50's.  Not when you have children who depend on you.  Not when you have family reputation and real responsibilities on the line.  If Sheen wants to look at someone who did it the right way, he doesn't have to look far.  He simply needs to take a glance at another "Brat-Pack-er" Robert Downey Jr. 

Downey, raised hell, he got hooked on drugs, committed crimes, went to jail, abused alcohol, trashed hotel rooms, slept with starlets and basically did everything he could to ruin his career and end his life.  But he did it when he was still relatively young.  Now that he's a bit..."aged" he's pulled his shit together and is heading down the road to being a more refined, respectable and graceful bachelor.

And that's the point, I guess to this post.  Sure, it's okay to look at Sheen and point and laugh.  But there's a part of most bachelors who admires his gumption, his fire and his egotism, even while they deplore his actions against women.  But we wince a bit every time he spouts more drivel. Not because what he says isn't true, or may be offensive to some.  No, we wince because it's a bit embarrassing.  He's acting like a spoiled 22 year old instead of like a grown man.  Bravado only goes so far as an adult.  At some point it needs to be replaced with a quiet confidence, otherwise you're little more than a loud teenager yelling into the night looking for attention.

The Classics:

Look at the bachelors who carry the flag for the aging single man.  Wayne, Grant, Heffner, Hugh Grant.  They all had flaws, they all made awful mistakes along the way.  But as they grew older, they didn't go screaming into the abyss.  They spoke with strong, carefully chosen words to get their point across.  Even Sinatra and Martin continued to party long after they should have hung up the martini glasses, but they did it with class. 

That's why they'll be remembered forever as bachelor legends.  I'm not saying you have to stop living the bachelor life.  It's just that, like everything else, things change a bit as you grow older.  The rules are a little different.  You gain more freedoms here, you lose some advantages there.  It balances out in the end, but you have to pay attention to the signs.

I threw a party this past weekend for my birthday.  It was a nice, small-ish gathering of friends.  We had drinks, we played "shuffle-beer" and I stayed up until 5am.  I got a few noise complaints, but the cops never showed.  Compared to my 30th birthday party, where arrests were made, things were broken and relationships altered forever, I would say my latest birthday bash was a bit more civilized, a bit more in keeping with my age.  And I'm okay with that.

They say that with age comes wisdom.  Clearly, Sheen is a walking illustration showing that isn't necessarily true.  Maybe he's the exception that proves the rule.  Maybe not.  Maybe he's just being a "guy's guy" and he actually believes this is how men his age should act.  I can't tell you what is going through his mind. 

I do know that, were I in his shoes, I probably would take time to fly to the Bahamas or the French Riviera, boink some classy French actresses, brunettes, with the Cleopatra haircut and rosy cheeks, and try to enjoy my later bachelor years with a little less commotion.  But that's just me.  I only hope that when the time comes, I don't find myself in a tiny red sports car, bragging that my partying would "melt your bones to wax" and skydiving to get one more adrenaline rush.  I hope my mid-life crisis, when it comes, and I'm sure it will, will be a bit more graceful than that.

I will, however begin referring to my fists as "fire breathing dragons."  I mean, that's just cool.

Survival Guide

Hey there fellow bachelors and bachelorettes!  I hope you are all recovering after another Valentine's Day has passed us by.  For so many of you out there, I know that February 14th send you screaming into the night, either from frustration, or from madness at being surrounded by all the syrupy-sweet L-O-V-E on public display.

If you're anything like me, Valentine's Day is just another day.  It always has been.  Listen, I'm not bitter...at least not about V-Day.  I might be bitter about a lot of other things, like 85-degree days in October, the cost of quality bourbon and the Broncos loss to the Jaguars in the 1996 AFC Division playoffs (I'm not sure I'll ever get over that one).  But when it comes to the day of Saint Valentine, I'm all smiles and cheerful whistles.

Step away from the edge, Valentine's Day is survivable. 




I say, go for it, couples!  Spend your hard earned cash at crowded fancy restaurants where you'll pay $100 or more for cheap wine and grade B beef.  Buy that diamond necklace that you'll regret giving the minute she starts sleeping with your best friend.  Hell, have sex in the park, or, like John Lennon once exhorted, do it in the road.  I'll cheer you on, take pictures and post them to my Facebook page.

I enjoy the big show of love that breaks out like acne all over the place in the middle of a traditionally cold February.  And while I might remain cynical about a holiday that was created by a card company simply to increase revenue, I like the idea of taking one day out of the year and celebrating something like love.  And while I prefer holidays that are a little more inclusive, Valentine's Day doesn't mean you have to be alone if you don't have a significant other.

Like pagans at Christmas, bachelors can sometimes feel a little left out of the festivities when V-Day rolls around.  But we can learn something from the Pagans or the Jews or the Muslims.  When Xmas started to pick up steam, they didn't just sit around and feel sorry for themselves.  Heck no.  The Muslims observe Eid Ul Fitr.  The Jews took a relatively minor holiday and pumped it full of steroids, handing out a week's worth of gifts instead of opening presents on a single day (take THAT Vatican!).  The Pagans got pissed that the Christians stole their Solstice observance and managed to sneak one of their primary symbols (the tree) into the whole Christmas celebration (don't look now, you're worshiping Mother Nature, he he he).

With that in mind, I figured out a long time ago that, while Valentine's Day might be for lovers, love itself isn't just reserved for the tall, skinny and beautiful.  Everyone can celebrate the day, you just have to know how to do it.

The Panic Button:

While you are likely reading this a day after Valentine's, it doesn't mean that the information is old and stale.  Nope.  In fact, it seems as if the entire month of February is dedicated to lovers or various lame holidays.  Let's face it, after New Year's Eve, it's a long dry spell to the next worthy holiday. 

It's kind of like being in school.  The first semester is chock full of holidays and days off and vacations and such.  But starting in January, you have a long haul until you finally stumble blindly into Spring Break.  It's kind of like that.  You hit Labor Day, then Halloween, then Thanksgiving, the Xmas then New Years...it's like party buffet and you're filling up on the good times. 

But just about the time you open your bloodshot eyes to welcome in the new year, you realize you're basically going to have to go cold turkey for about three months.  That can be difficult for your average bachelor.  Sure, you can manage January.  You're still recovering from three straight months of lost weekends, plus you're probably still trying in vain to stick to at least ONE of your resolutions.

But then February stops by, pulls up a chair and begins an intervention.  It's cold, you're alone, you haven't "partied hard" for a bit and you're starting to go into withdrawals.  February is a slap to the face, it's cold water on the head, it's the school counselor who tells you you'll never amount to anything.  Suddenly, you find yourself thinking about the fact that you're still single.  You realize your bank account is low and not partying for so long has allowed you to remember that you hate your job.

Now you're panicking.  February, with it's Valentine's Day and President's Day and whatever holidays are hidden in the shortest month of the year, has gotten under your skin, and into your head and is taking control.  You start thinking about who you can ask out for a Valentine's Day date.  You start seriously considering settling for the next woman who smiles at you across the bar.  Of course, it doesn't help that you're also starting to receive all those wedding invitations in the mail for those summer weddings.  Desperation is creeping in.

I'm here to tell you, don't give in.  This is NOT the time to lose yourself in a pity party.  It's time to shake yourself and revel in all the great things about being a bachelor.

Start With The Basics:

The first thing you have to do is recognize that being single is a good thing.  I'm not saying that being in a couple is bad, don't get me wrong.  I'm just saying that most bachelors tend to selfish, carefree and, let's face it, just a little irresponsible.  We're men, so we do stupid things, but we also enjoy the freedom to do those stupid things without all the repercussions we might receive if we were in a relationship. 

Also, being a bachelor means never having to say, "I'm leaving you."  Or, for that matter, having to hear someone else say it to us.  Just this past week, some good friends of mine who had been dating broke up after dating for nearly two years.  Sure there might have been a few rough spots, but I'm not sure anyone really saw it coming.  I felt awful for both of them as they told me and some other friends who happened to be together for a meeting.  They were both nearly in tears and it was sad.  I've been through that, we all have.  It's no fun.  Being a bachelor means we don't have to go through that.  So, we have that going for us.

We don't have anyone to answer to, really.  I was at a Superbowl party a couple of weeks ago and as the party started to die down, I was ready to go out for some more drinks.  Most everyone had left, but my ride wasn't in the mood to go out.  Actually, let me correct that.  He was willing to go out as was the other guy.  But the host of the party had a fiancee who was not about to let him wander into the night with his drinking buddies on a Sunday night.  And my other friend had to get home, because his fiancee was at home and was furious that he'd already stayed out after his curfew.  I went home, grabbed a bottle of bourbon, drank alone and vowed to find more bachelor friends.

The fact is, while being in a couple might have certain advantages, being a bachelor has just as many advantages, and not quite as many disadvantages, I mean, other than the whole, "single men die sooner" thing.  Other than that, being a bachelor is all good.

Just Getting By:

Now that you've started to remember that being a bachelor is not all doom and gloom, you now have to turn your attention to a much more serious problem; making it to St. Patrick's Day.

According to my calendar, St. Patrick's Day is the first major (or "High Holy" holiday of the year).  Some might consider New Year's Eve to be the first, but that's really the end of the previous year, so it doesn't count. 

Getting past Valentine's Day is doable, I'm assuming you all survived since you're reading this post.  But even after the day has passed, you're surrounded by Valentine's Day reminders.  The holiday has a shelf life of, basically, two weeks, as lovers and couples who couldn't find time on the 14th, celebrate it at various times throughout the month.  Then, once V-Day has passed, mass media turns its attention immediately towards Easter. 

But there are ways to survive February, and The Bachelor Diaries is here to tell you how:

1.  Celebrate your friends - This may seem odd, or trite, but seriously, it's awesome. I just remember something one of my closest friends told me 20 years ago.  Lovers come and go, but good friends are forever.  You may fight with a friend, you may disagree and get annoyed with them, and even want to punch them in the face from time to time, but the fact is, it's very VERY rare to "break up" with a friend, at least really close friends.  Take them out for drinks, organize a dinner for your closest friends and laugh and tell stories and remember how they fill you life with joy.  Trust me, it's better than any four hour dinner at some fondu place.


2.  Celebrate your family - If breaking up with close friends is rare, it might be even more unlikely that you'll ever break up with your family.  Sure you might not see them as much as you'd like, or maybe you see them way more than you'd like.  The point is, love isn't reserved only for couples.  You love your family, you love your friends.  Why not take the time to let them know how much they mean to you. 


3.  Remember Mardi-Gras - Okay, this is a strange one, but for bachelors, Mardi-Gras can be like an oasis in the desert that is February.  The problem with Mardi-Gras is twofold:  A) unless you live in New Orleans, you kind of have to search out the great parties or make your own. B) If you're religious, you have to observe Lent, which is a total bummer.  On the other hand, if you're NOT religious, you have to hear from everyone about what they're giving up for Lent.  If you can manage to listen to them explain why giving up spinach or candy bars illustrates their devotion to god, then Mardi-Gras can be a blast.  Sadly, outside of The Big Easy, girls don't often show their tits for beads, but that doesn't mean it never happens, the good bachelors will just have to look harder than usual.


4.  Find Your Own Reasons to Celebrate - I'm lucky.  My birthday falls right at the end of February, so I have a built in reason to party.  But for most, February is just one long drag.  But it doesn't have to be.  Have a President's Day party.  Watch the History Channel and every time a president's name is mentioned, drink.  Call up friends and find reasons to join them for a night out on the town.  In actuality, since there is so little happening in February, you might be surprised how many others are also looking for something to do, even your married or engaged friends.  This is also a great opportunity for random hook-ups.  Remember, you're not the ONLY one that probably spent Valentine's Day alone.  There are a lot of others out there simply looking for some companionship, if even for one night. 


5.  The Ides of March Madness - This is another toughie for some bachelors.  Football is over, basketball is in the doldrums of mid-season, hockey is only popular in Northern cities and soccer is, well, soccer.  BUT, college basketball IS starting to heat up and watching the bubble teams can be fun, particularly if you have a team that might make it into the tournament.  Also, baseball spring training begins in mid-February.  Start a baseball fantasy league, have a draft, drink beer and lose yourself in the few interesting sports left on the calendar.

For some bachelors, January and February is a time of creation and rebuilding.  I knew a guy years ago that would essentially become a hermit come January 1st.  He'd stay in, work out, go on a cleanse and re-emerge in March or April leaner, meaner and ready to rock n roll.  It's a good idea, actually.  I mean, hey, even the most ardent of bachelors need a break every now and then. 

The point is, like life, Valentine's Day and February in general is what you make of it.  It doesn't have to be a dreary, depressing time of the year.  In fact it can be a joyful month of celebration, recognition, reflection and self-examination.  Personally, I love February, and not just because it's my birthday month.  It snows, it's chilly without being freezing, I start to work on my golf game, and I find fun things to do. 

So get out there, enjoy yourself, find the hidden fun in February.  Before you know it, St. Patrick's Day will be here before you know it.  If nothing else, it might be a good month to start training for St. Paddy's.  Hey, a man has to dream, right?